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[25 Jun 2003|01:27am] |
i haven't felt this way in so long
our love has been steady
and our love has been good
and sometimes i spaz out and miss him a lot
and sometimes it isn't even that hard
but these past few weeks it has been building up and building up
and if i not get to see him in the next 25 minutes i might
EXPLODE
but i don't get to see him in the next 25 minutes.
13 days.
i need to TASTE him.
i feel like i am going to fucking die.
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[27 Apr 2003|02:50pm] |
i feel like my insides are twirling around and my heart is breaking and my lungs are popping and i don't know why and i think it is called homesick.
but the things i am sick for are spread all over the world
and i hate modern life
because in the olden days everything one ever loved (or KNEW they loved) was all in one place and stayed in one place
so they never felt like their heart would explode
because she is in england
an dhe is in new york
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[07 Dec 2002|12:09am] |
i cannot believe it has only been a week without you
i have lived and died a thousand times
wishing for a kiss on my lips
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[13 Oct 2002|01:24pm] |
i do not like being yelled at for having the friends i have.
i do not like a trying to tell me i shouldn't be friends with b because she doesn't like b.
argh!
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[05 Oct 2002|11:58am] |
i just knocked on brandy's door and opened it to see if she was home
and there was a boy in there with her.
so that was silly of me.
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[15 Aug 2002|05:51pm] |
no.
no.
i refuse.
to get this feeling inside of me.
wanting to leave.
to run back into his arms.
because it isn't just him i want to run to.
it is vacation.
it is having no responsibilities.
and that isn't possible.
life isn't like that.
you have ti do shit you don't feel like doing.
you just fucking do.
i will not dwell on this.
i will not.
oh god i miss you.
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[27 Jun 2002|12:30am] |
i do not like when my roommate borrows condoms from me. or takes them rather. i hope she doesn't give them back when she is done with them.
because now i know for sure that her and her boyfriend are having sex right now
and then i picture it.
and he is so very big
i cannot even imagine how it works.
and
oh my.
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[24 Jun 2002|09:52am] |
my glasses are crooked and falling apart
the cat is meowing like im his mom or something
and he smells like shit
literally
why cant he wipe his own ass.
my purse has m&ms broken al l in it. so i switched everything to a basmati rice bag.
and whille i'm complaining...
i fucking hate talking to people inline
i am so sick of frigging AIM
and i don't want to talk to p on it
i want to talk to p in person.
arghg.dn.
i am not going to spell check this because i don't frigging care.
i am in a bad mood and my glasses are crooked.
p does not say crook-ed
he says crookt.
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[31 May 2002|05:42pm] |
i have had sex twice today.
i would like to do it again.
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[22 May 2002|11:34pm] |
i feel absolutely awful.
p's grandfather is dying.
and i realize that i'm sadder about that
than i would be if one of my grandparents were to die
because p knows his grandfather so well
and is close to him
and
i
i feel really awful
and he is out stripping paint from a boulder and i'm at loose ends
in this apartment all alone
and for some reason it smells really bad in here
and everytime i see the cat i want to kick him
and i dont know where any of my friends are
or if i even have any friends
and i miss him so much
and i might not be able to see him
when he might need me most of all
if he dies
p will stay and not come to me
and i will want to hold him
kiss him
hold him
and i don't know what to do
because there is nothing to do.
and my hands hurt
and they are bleeding
and i just feel very awful
and i don't know what to do to make it better
i would call peter
but he is not around.
i'd cal and leave a message but i don't want to call if shawn is there
and his away message only says "doot doot."
which he stole from peter
and shawn's girlfriend is horrible
and i want to kill a lot of people
and i FEEL BAD .
fkhs;dfkg
and i am not spell checking this
so there.
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| i am not spell checking this so there! |
[28 Apr 2002|11:29pm] |
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i want i want i want
all i am is a wanting machine
i hate myself for being so materialistic
and i hate myself for being so bored right now that i want to pick a fight with p.
and eat eat eat and make myself even fucking fatter.
i don't mind the way i look
i don't know how many times i can clarify that
but i am not healthy
i am unhealthily chubby.
sometimes i want to scream
I AM FAT
I AM FAT
I AM FAT
until somoene actually brelieves me and says
you know what claire
youre right
i didnt notice before
but you are a fat cow.
god. i am so grumpy
and
BLAH.
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[17 Apr 2002|12:41am] |
it is so hot in here
but despite my sweating
i feel dark and cold
good days can turn into bad nights in a matter of seconds
at least the cops came to break up that loud party upstairs.
my fingers hurt.
i think i put myself in bad moods just so i will get more attention from him.
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[02 Apr 2002|09:03am] |
sometimes i wish an asteroid would randomly fall through the roof and smash me flat.
i can never stay happy for long.
it just doesn't work.
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[27 Mar 2002|10:03pm] |
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i need a lobotomy.
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[27 Mar 2002|10:02pm] |
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i need some fucking valium. fuck this celexa shit.
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[27 Mar 2002|10:00pm] |
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i think i am going crazy again.
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[16 Mar 2002|02:31pm] |
L and H (i am so sick of using just initials for names, but this is my secret journal so i must keep it that way. and i am too scatterbrained to make up a new name for each person.
ok. so. back to my story.
L and H decided to make T move out of their apartment. and i am pissed. but i feel like i cannot say anything to them because i do not live in their apartment. i only live next door. so maybe things really are bad. and if they are, or if they aren't, it isn't any of my business.
but seeing as H moved in after T it doesn't seem fair that she can make the decision to kick him out. L is so impressionable. the week before i left, her and T were the best of friends, then she started spending tons of time with H and now she is an H clone. and blah.
and H is all like, "well, T moved in and mooched off of L and J for months and they didn't even know he was coming or want him to come." and that is a lie. they emailed him and told him to go ahead and come after B told him she didn't care. maybe they did not mean it and were just trying to be nice. but that doesn't matter. they knew and said it was ok. and before H moved in, EVERYTHING WAS FINE. that leads me to belive that the problem isn't T's, but hers.
and .
blah.
that is all i have to say about that.
hurrumph.
oh yes. and H is antisocial as hell and has only been in this apartment once, when she was looking at the apartment next door. we don't need antisocial goth bitches around here.
*angry*
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[13 Mar 2002|12:51pm] |
so, reading over this journal it seems like the whole thing is about sex.
and i thought i didn't have any secrets, or know what the concept was. but i guess i do. i guess the only thing i don't want to write about in my regular journal is sex.
or maybe i'm aware that no one really wants to be forced to read about it.
so yes. hello. welcome to the sex journal.
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[23 Feb 2002|09:09am] |
for the first time in my life i seriously considered suicide.
just a whole bottle of pills
the wussy way out
sometimes i just can't stand it.
i know i'm usually happy
but how can i deal with feeling like this?
so what if i lose all the happy things in my life
ill be dead
...
no one reads this but if anyone comes across it. don't worry. i won't do it. i promise.
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[23 Feb 2002|01:30am] |
i think my celexa is broken
i think at the moment i want to kill myself
i want to stab myself in the heart
so it will stop hurting
i think it is going to swell until it takes me over
i don't know what to do.
i don't know what to do.
i need to do something. i need to do something. i need to keep typing so i can pretend i am not going crazy but we all know it is a lie. i am crazy. i can take anti depressants.
i cant take that little pink pill every morning but it can only hide so much for so long and then it will all break through again.
i crash
crash
like a serious 10 car pile up
except all inside my heart
it must be in my head
but it feels like it is in my heart
it feels like my chest is going to explode
i'm in the mood where i go into the bathroom and turn off the lights and scream
i'm in the mood where i take my exacto knife and run it over my skin until the blood beads up and begins to run down my skin on rivers
im in the mood where i need to bang my head on a hard tile floor until i fall asleep
how did this happen?
i wish i was dead.
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ohclementine's journal